03-12-07
Almost Fired
Our plan was flawless. Dee and I both told our parents we'd spend the night with Lisa. Lisa told her parents she'd spend the night with me. We'd meet at Hurricane O'Malley's where the bouncer never noticed that the 34-year-old woman on your ID looked nothing like you. It was the summer before college and we were invincible. We could get into bars and party with college kids while we high school seniors. We couldn't wait for our freedom so we were trying it on for size.Kurt had his own apartment and suggested we spend the night. We stayed up late, playing pool, laughing and trying not to vomit.
The phone rang.
"Hello," Kurt mumbled. "Oh, hi Mrs. Noel."
"It's your Mom," he mouthed.
In one second I went from invincible, headed-to-college super-chic to 17 year old, petrified, freaked out spaz. I scrambled for my keys. If I made it home before they hung up, everything would be fine.
"Your Mom says you should call her at home. Now," he said hanging his head in shame.
I had messed up big time. I knew that I was headed for a very long engagement with my bedroom. Being grounded wouldn't be the worst of it. The real punishment would be the guilt for lying. As I drove towards my doom the anticipation of what was to come overcame me and I began to cry. You know the feeling. You're sad, confused, trying to think positive but there's just nothing good to think. You're ruined, miserable. You feel hopeless and it's possible your life will end. Not a rational feeling, simply one that you never want to have again.
Today the picture on my ID is still of a 34-year-old. However, it is not a fake. I am the perfect 34 year old: confident, in charge, great at my job, happy with life, on top of the world. I'm the assistant to a big time producer; I'm planning my wedding, rolling calls, writing letters, doing laundry, feeding dogs. I am once again, invincible.
Until today. Today my boss, the big time producer, had a lunch meeting downtown at 1:30. Before he left we discussed how odd it was to have such a late lunch meeting. I bid him farewell and he left for his hour-long drive.
When he is away I am free. Free to leave the cage that is my headset. I took my time today, knowing he'd be gone a while. When I returned, the phone rang immediately. It was the private line. My boss.
"Hello?"
"Guess what happened?"
"What?"
"Well, I get all the way down here and the receptionist tells me that the meeting just ended, it started at noon."
"Noon? But it says 1:30. Why would they change it and not tell us?"
"No, Shannon, actually it says NOON, you even have it highlighted."
"What? But -"
"We really have to keep up. We'll discuss it later."
"I'm Sorry."
And there it was - that feeling of hopelessness. I knew for sure I was fired. I looked for boxes to pack my belongings.
In that split second I turned from Martha Stewart-super-planning- executive assistant-extraordinaire into petrified 34-year-old girl. It felt as if I was waiting for my parents to come home after I'd been busted. The doom. The misery. I could feel the tears coming. I frantically instant messaged every other assistant I knew. Was I doomed? Had anyone else ever committed such a gaffe? Was it too late to become a beautician?
An hour later my boss walked in.
"Stand up," he said.
He was going to punish me. I was on the verge, so close, just about, nearly, Almost Fired.
And then he hugged me.
"That was just silly of both of us. But, things happen. Any calls?"
That was it? No firing? No reprimand?
The anticipation of something is ALMOST always greater than what actually happens. All the fear, the anxiety, the doom that builds in my head; what is it for? Why do I insist on putting myself through it every single time I goof? My parents never stopped loving me; my boss didn't fire me. Maybe it's time to accept that we all err, that no one is perfect, and that even though I am invincible I am still human.
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Writing Menu
 09-24-08
Almost Embarrassing
07-14-08
Almost Saving Face
06-14-08
Almost Missionary: Rated X for Sex
03-19-08
Almost Evil
02-12-08
A SIMPLE PHONE CALL
02-03-08
About
01-13-08
Almost a Woman
11-13-07
Almost Everyone
08-13-07
Almost Mrs. Webb or Bridal Brain
06-11-07
Almost Ready
03-12-07
Almost Fired
12-01-06
Almost Gay
10-12-06
Is It Hot Yet? by Angela Kurian and Shannon Noel
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